If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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