I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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