That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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