the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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