I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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