I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
