Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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