I looked at my own cervix.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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