Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
