he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
