90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
