I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
