my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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