Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
