i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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