Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
