nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
