Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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