the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
