God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
