rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
