Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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