We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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