sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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