I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
