She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
