True but thats because hes a fetus.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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