Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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