i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
