I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
