He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
