Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
