Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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