I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
