I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
