You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
