she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
