I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
