just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
