2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
