you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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