She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The Olympian is in my bed
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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