Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
