I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
