he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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