evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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