I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
