So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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