dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
