They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize