nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
