Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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