I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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