My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
