Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would fuck him just for his dog
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
