Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
